Avoiding the Issue
by rowanashke
Summary: Iruka's the most elibible bachelor in town, and everyone's always trying to grab him. His unlikely friend Ibiki comes up with a plan to help him, but is it too insane to work? Complicated pairings have to read, eventual KakaIru. Sexual situations,swearin
1. Chapter 1

Rated for sexual encounters, not graphic but... also for swearing. My ninjas have very dirty mouths, I've discovered. This story just popped into my mind for no good reason. Let me know what you think!

-----------------------------

Shikaku yawned and scratched his nose. Genma, giving him a wicked grin, flipped his hand at him, sending a fine spray of water droplets arching through the air.

"Tired, Shikaku?" Genma asked, raising his eyebrow. "Someone keep you up late last night?"

There was general laughter. Chouza, shifting his bulky frame, sighed deeply in content. "You should talk, you man-whore. I heard you _and _Kotetsu _and _Izumo were out pretty late last night."

Genma gave him an unrepentant grin. "Well, since I'm _much younger _and _unmarried_, I have to have all the fun for everyone, you know."

"Bah." Ibiki said it quietly. "You should never marry, Genma. Your partner would kill you in a week."

More laughter. Genma flicked his senbon in his mouth and then pouted at Ibiki, his eyes sparkling naughtily. "Ahhh. I'm crushed, Ibi-chan. And here I was going to ask you if you were interested…"

Ibiki opened one eye and glared at Genma. "Get off me, puppy. You know I don't go in for that."

Raidou snickered, and then ducked his head into the water to avoid Ibiki's death-glare.

Ebisu let out a long-suffering sigh and pushed the sunglasses he wore further up his nose. It never ceased to amuse everyone how he kept those on his face, no matter what. "You are all so vulgar." He said it without heat or condemnation; long association with the others had accustomed him to their vulgarities.

Asuma chuckled and reached out to poke Ebisu in the arm. "Stuck up prick." He said fondly. Ebisu flicked his fingers at him, hitting him in the face with the water.

"Stop, children." Shikaku said firmly. "Don't turn this into a splash-fight. Again. The manager said that jounin or not, he'd kick us all out of here if it happened again."

Aoba surfaced, shaking the water out of his hair. "Hmm. I'm getting hungry."

"You're always hungry." Genma said, rolling his eyes.

"I'm not." Aoba protested. Ebisu reached out and touched his forehead. Aoba's eyes nearly crossed as he tried to stare at the finger.

Everyone laughed. Inoichi stretched, yawning.

"What did you do that for?" Aoba asked petulantly. Ebisu gave him a smug look and leaned back.

"Because it was funny." Genma said, winking at Shikaku. "Relax, kid."

Aoba flushed and leaned back, shaking his head. "Don't know why I hang out with you assholes." He muttered.

Genma laughed. Then he leaned over and poked the only person who'd been silent the entire time. "Yo! Kakashi! Are you asleep, man?"

Kakashi opened one blue eye and glared lazily at him. "What do you want, Genma?"

Genma chuckled. "Just seeing if you were alive, or if we were going to have to ask Ibiki to give you mouth-to-mouth."

Everyone laughed except Ibiki, who only sighed, and Kakashi, who rolled his eye before closing it tightly again.

They heard the door open and all eyes turned. They were jounins; they instinctively needed to know who else was in the room.

The man who'd entered stopped, a little surprised to see so many people in the bath house. Giving them all a slightly nervous smile, he bowed before pattering by them, heading for the steam room.

All eyes followed him.

After a moment, Inoichi said, very quietly, "damn."

More silence.

"Who…is that?" Asuma asked.

"That, my friends, is Umino Iruka. Chuunin teacher at the academy, mission office clerk, and assistant to the Hokage. Also known as the tanned sex-god." Genma smirked. He loved it when people got their first dose of Umino fever.

Even Ibiki was looking a little hot.

"Tanned sex-god?" Kakashi opened his eye and sat up. "Who are we talking about?"

"You missed him." Chouza said with a grin. "He went into the steam room."

"The most eligible bachelor in Kohona." Aoba said with a longing sigh. "He's chased all over the village by just about everyone, whether or not they _should _be chasing him. Women and men, both."

Raidou chuckled heartlessly. He'd been dosed with Umino-fever before; he'd started, very slowly, to build up a resistance. "In addition to being the single most lovely thing I've ever seen, he's also kind, incredibly intelligent, blushes like a school-girl, great with kids, and surprisingly talented for a chuunin who doesn't do missions that often."

Shikaku cleared his throat. "He doesn't do missions?"

"No." Genma sighed. "He's in several sensitive positions-school teacher, records clerk, Hokage's assistant…not only would it be hard managing his affairs while he was out of the village, he…"

"He knows too much to chance being captured and interrogated." Shikaku finished, understanding. "Ah."

Ibiki nodded. "He's not only had the normal TI courses, but he's gotten all the advanced

'how to kill yourself in any situation' courses, as well as all the 'how to not be broken' courses as well. He's probably as knowledgeable about TI methods as I am. Just in case."

There was a long silence. Chouza raised his eyebrow. "Why isn't he working for you?"

"Because he loves being a teacher. That's what he's good at. He's refused several promotion offers over the years. He could be a jounin if he wanted to, but…" Genma thoughtfully rolled his senbon over his lips. "But he doesn't want to be."

"So?" Kakashi drawled. "Why hasn't anyone managed to snag this obviously too-perfect-for-words chuunin yet?"

Ibiki sighed. Genma looked, surprisingly, suddenly cold.

"Because his childhood crush and first lover was Mizuki." Genma said after a moment. "And after what Mizuki did, Iruka doesn't feel safe taking another chance like that."

"Oh. Shit, that's…" Aoba said quietly. Shikaku sighed deeply.

Asuma shook his head. "Not good."

"How do you know all of this personal stuff?" Ebisu said slowly.

Genma grinned. "Cause he's my friend."

"If he's your friend, shouldn't you be _not_ spilling his most closely-held secrets to a bunch of perverted, over-sexed jounins in the bathing room?" Kakashi asked quietly. They all caught the edge in his words. Asuma glanced at Shikaku, raising his eyebrow thoughtfully.

"Nope." Genma said with grin. "Cause they're not his most closely-held secrets. If you asked him point blank, he'd be happy to discuss it with you. He's not ashamed of his feelings for Mizuki, or his decision to remain apart from emotional connections because of them. He's probably the most stable, self-aware person I've ever met."

"Ah." Kakashi looked non-pulsed.

"Still." Chouza said after a moment. "I'm thinking it's not really healthy for him to keep himself so apart. Even if he doesn't want an emotional connection with another man…isn't he the last of his clan? Shouldn't he be thinking about continuing the line?"

"Dunno. I've never discussed that with him." Genma lied. He had, actually, but…

A friend didn't disclose another friend's most closely-guarded secrets.

"I'm hungry!" Aoba announced. It broke the thoughtful mood that had fallen over the group of jounins.

Chouza grinned, patting his huge stomach. "You know, I could use a bite…"

"You're both disgusting." Ebisu sniffed.


	2. Chapter 2

Shikaku made a point of drifting to the mission room the next day. Just out of curiosity, of course. He was happily, firmly married and smugly aware that if he _ever_ cheated on Yoshino, she'd easily have his balls for lunch, retired chuunin or not.

He just wanted to see why he'd never noticed Umino before.

He spotted him and studied him covertly. Ah.

Dressed in the boring uniform, his hair pulled back into a neat ponytail, Umino's sexy body was pretty much camouflaged. And especially now, when his cute face was suffused with something nearing deathly rage, it was easy to see why he was overlooked.

"GENMA…" Iruka was gritting out. Curious, Shikaku drifted closer.

"Mah…what, Iru-chan?" Genma purred.

"I've told you a THOUSAND times! STOP grabbing my ASS in front of the HOKAGE!" Iruka nearly screamed.

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry. No more grabbing your ass in front of the Hokage. Does that mean I _can _grab it when we're alone?"

"GHHGSH" hissed Iruka, clearly pushed beyond words.

Shikaku felt someone chuckling behind him. Glancing over his shoulder, he saw Inoichi leaning on the wall, watching the show. "Just beautiful, isn't he? I think that he could take Genma."

"Hmmm." Shikaku turned and studied the two. Iruka was backing a grinning Genma into the corner. It looked like Iruka was going to draw some serious blood. "I'm not sure. After all, Genma is ex-ANBU and a damn good assassin."

"My money would be on Iruka." Aoba piped up. He'd come in from the back room, holding a mission scroll in his hand. "Any time."

"I don't think so." Ebisu, following him, shoved his glasses higher on his nose. "I don't care how talented he is. No mere chuunin could take out an ex-ANBU jounin of Genma's level."

Iruka had Genma neatly trapped in the corner and was slowly drawing a kunai. The look in his eye was pretty scary. Genma was starting to sweat.

"What are we all doing here?" The sweet voice of the Hokage made them all jump.

"Trying to decide who'd win in a fight-Genma or Iruka, Hokage-sama." Inoichi said with a grin. "So far, we're evenly divided. Care to place a small bet?"

Tsunade grinned. "I'd take odds for Iruka. He's kind of scary, for a teacher."

There was a quick discussion on odds. They finalized the betting and then pretended to be discussing the weather, waiting for the outcome of the fight.

Iruka's hand shot out. He was pretty serious, the group realized.

Genma managed to block him. Then he counter-attacked.

A brief scuffle.

"IRUKA! GENMA! WHAT THE HELL…"

The group sighed. Shizune.

"This isn't finished." Inoichi said out of the corner of his mouth. Bet still stands. Clear?"

The group nodded firmly.


	3. Chapter 3

Kakashi waited until the tanned chuunin noticed he was standing in front of the desk.

"Hello, Kakashi-san. Can I help you?"

Damn, he was so cute!

"Yo." Kakashi grinned and held out his mission report. "Brought it in."

"Late, as usual." Iruka said with a sigh.

Kakashi just grinned.

Iruka unfolded the paper and scanned it, his lips compressing. "Not as bad as your usual attempt, I see. Uh…what is this?" He pointed to a doodle at the top of the page.

"Uhm." Kakashi grinned harder. "Sorry. I was bored, my mind was wandering…."

"But what is it?" Iruka asked in confusion.

"It's doggie-style." Kakashi explained. "See, that's when a man gets on his knees, and another man comes up behind him, kneeling…" 

Iruka blushed beet-red. "I KNOW what doggie-style is, Kakashi-san. I just couldn't interpret your DRAWING."

"Oh." Kakashi eyed the doodle. "I'll work on that."

Iruka blushed harder. "I'd appreciate it if you did NOT draw x-rated doodles on your mission reports!" he snarled.

Kakashi let his face fall. "I'm sorry, Iruka. Can I make it up to you? Maybe we can demonstrate the position, so next time I can draw it better."

"Iruka-SENSEI, you perverted…"

"Sensei." Kakashi purred.

He thought that someone should definitely pass out, with that much blood in his head.

"Hey, Kakashi!" Kotetsu called. "Hokage-sama wants to see you in her office. She's got something for you!"

Kakashi grinned. "You know, I tell her and I tell her. I just don't _like _her that way."

Iruka moaned, cradling his head in his hands.

Kakashi grinned. More than anything else, he loved hearing Iruka moan like that. Gave a man all sorts of nasty, perverted thoughts…

…

Iruka closed the door to the TI office and leaned on it, giving Ibiki a hunted look. "Can I…"

"Hurry." Ibiki said quietly. Iruka gave him a grateful look and ducked into the back office.

Just in time. The door opened and Anko appeared, looking flustered. "Uhm. Hi, Ibiki-san. Have you seen Iruka anywhere?"

"Yes, he's hiding in my office." Ibiki said sarcastically.

Anko flushed. "Sorry." She muttered and left.

After a moment, Iruka opened the door.

"You know." Ibiki said slowly. "If you'd just pick someone, they'd leave you alone."

Iruka sighed and sank into the chair, rubbing his nose. "No, they wouldn't. They'd just hound the poor bastard to death for taking their 'Iru-chan' away."

"Not if you picked someone suitably dangerous." Ibiki said.

Iruka shot him a look, amusement in his chocolate eyes. "Why, Ibiki. Are you making me an offer?"

Ibiki snorted. "If I thought for one minute that anyone would believe it, I might, just to give you a break."

"What do you mean?" Iruka asked softly, his eyebrows rising. "If anyone would believe it…"

"Never mind." Ibiki stood. "Tea?"

"Yes, please." Ibiki nodded and rose to fix the tea. He knew how Iruka liked it. This wasn't the first time that Iruka had sought sanctuary in his office.

"Ibiki…" Iruka said softly.

Ibiki sighed. "Iruka, don't. You're incredibly attractive to me on so many levels beyond your physical appearance, but much like you, I've chosen to eschew emotional ties beyond friendship. For mostly different reasons. The biggest one is because, being who and what I am, I can't afford to care that deeply about anyone. There's no way of knowing who will end up in my interrogation chair tomorrow."

Iruka nodded, his eyes darkening with remembered pain. "I know."

It would break me to break you, he realized suddenly, staring down at the tanned chuunin. If you were in my chair, I'd do my job, but it would kill me.

It bothered Ibiki that he'd let the kid get so deep. He wasn't sure what, if anything, he could do about it.

They drank their tea in companionable silence. When he'd finished, Iruka sighed and sat up reluctantly. "Well, I guess. I should get back. I left Genma and Kotetsu alone up there. No telling what they're getting up to without supervision."

Ibiki shook his head. "Not without Izumo. Kotetsu may be a slut to rival Genma, but he and Izumo are a firm team. Neither one would move without the other."

Iruka chuckled without any real humor. "I know. I've been bracketed often enough."

Ibiki sighed.


	4. Chapter 4

Iruka sighed and watched the kids running pell-mell around the yard. It was good to get them out once and awhile, so they could work off their youthful energy.

Speaking of youth…Gai was leading the pack, laughing and shouting rather annoying words of encouragement as he did.

Iruka shook his head, grinning. He _liked_ Guy. Guy was one of the few people in the village who didn't constantly hit on him, or stare or obviously fantasize. And with Guy, if he was even _thinking_ it, you'd be able to tell. He wasn't good at hiding his emotions…

Asuma wandered over and gave Iruka a sideways glance. He was smoking, something that Iruka never ceased to chide him for. "Huh. Wonder who's going to collapse first-the kids, or Guy?"

"The kids." Iruka said promptly. Then, because he wouldn't be who he was without doing it, he sighed and gave Asuma a dirty look. "You shouldn't smoke in front of the kids. Sets a bad habit."

Asuma chuckled and carefully put the cig out.

Iruka shook his head. He liked Asuma a lot, too. Of course, Asuma occasionally got _that _look on his face. But Asuma never pushed him and never made Iruka too uncomfortable.

"We should call them in." Iruka said with a sigh.

"Give 'em a couple more minutes." Asuma said with a laugh. "They're too riled up to teach right now."

Iruka nodded. "Hey. I got the message about your leaving the academy again. What's up?"

Asuma grinned. "Well, I never really wanted to be a teacher. It was just something to do while we were slow. I put in an application for another genin team."

"Huh." Iruka said after a minute. "I think you make a very good sensei."

"Well, since I _know_ you help the Hokage pick the teams, choose me a good one." Asuma grinned at the faint blush that appeared on Iruka's cheeks. "Just don't saddle me with that Konohamaru, ok? I'd probably end up killing him."

"Thought nothing would be bad after Shikamaru…" Iruka said after a minute.

Asuma blinked. "That kid? He was a piece of cake, once I figured out his weakness. No, that Konohamaru would end up tied, gagged and I'd be a missing-nin before three weeks were up."

Iruka nodded. "Hmm. We'll have to see who makes it through the graduation."

…

Iruka was hiding in Ibiki's office again.

This time, it was a group of female genin and they knew damn well where he was. None of them could overcome their absolute fear of Ibiki, though.

I wonder how long that will last, Iruka thought despairingly.

"More tea?" Ibiki asked. Iruka shook his head.

"I'm so tired of this!" Iruka groaned, laying his head on Ibiki's desk. "Why won't they leave me alone? I've tried talking to them nicely, yelling at them, _screaming _at them, embarrassing them, and ignoring them. They're incessant!"

Ibiki sighed.

"The worst part is I barely escaped Genma's questing fingers. I was fleeing the records room when I ran into them. I swear, between Genma, Kakashi, the fan-club and the KoIzu team, I'm going to go crazy!"

Ibiki crossed his arms over his chest, deep in thought.

Iruka needed a boyfriend. Not a real boyfriend, but someone who could stave off the ravening hordes for him. Someone safe.

He didn't consider himself; he knew himself very well, and he knew that, of all the people in the village, Iruka was the only one who could make Ibiki shatter his self-imposed vow of celibacy with no effort or regret.

His mind flicked through the options rapidly. And then he pulled one from the back of his mind and held it up for inspection.

The man in question wouldn't be happy about it. But he owed Ibiki big time. Life-debt owed Ibiki.

And he was definitely frightening enough to stop the fangirls in their tracks.


	5. Chapter 5

"You want me to…what?"

Ibiki leaned on the desk, giving the other man a dead-pan look. "I want you to let Umino Iruka move in with you."

"Why?" Shibi stared at Ibiki like he was wondering if the man was cracked in the head.

Ibiki slowly explained the situation.

Shibi was not impressed.

"Look. Just…come with me. Let me show you what I'm talking about. It's not really something I can explain. You have to see it for yourself." Ibiki sighed.

Shibi shook his head. "Fine. But only because…"

"Don't." Ibiki said flatly. Trade on it, definitely. Talk about it…no.

…

"The bath house?" Shibi said distastefully. "You expect me to go into a public bath house?"

"Privately." Ibiki said with a sigh.

They got in without anyone knowing they were there. Then they watched.

Iruka walked by, a towel wrapped firmly around his waist.

There was a silence.

Then the sound of a punch.

Genma staggered by, clutching his face, where a bruise was already starting to rise.

"Shit, Iruka…" Someone said faintly.

Iruka walked by, his face flaming. "Can't a guy even have a BATH without someone trying to MOLEST him?" Iruka screamed. "I'm SICK OF THIS!"

"Mwha…" Kakashi appeared. "Can we help it? You're the cutest thing I've ever seen, Ruka!"

"You take ONE more step towards me, Kakashi-san, and I'll make it PAINFUL for you to have sex for the REST of your PERVERTED LIFE!" Iruka screamed. "And it's IRUKA-SENSEI!"

"I think I'm beginning to understand." Shibi said softly. "This happens all the time?"

"Yes." Ibiki responded. "And it's not just these two perverts. It's about half the village. Iruka doesn't do anything to encourage it, either. He just…is."

"You like him." Shibi's voice sounded surprised. "More than you should…"

"Shut up." Ibiki snarled, but there wasn't any heat in his voice. Of everyone in the village, Shibi was the only one who _really_ knew him.

The two perverts finally left. Iruka sank to the floor, his back against the wall, and wrapped his arms around his legs. Laying his head on his knees, he took slow, deep breaths, trying to calm his rage.

When he'd calmed down, he lifted his head and stared mournfully at the ceiling.

"Mizuki…" he sighed deeply. "God damn you to hell." His voice was bitter and sad.

Ibiki jerked his head and Shibi followed him out.

"Will you do it?" Ibiki asked quietly.

Shibi nodded. "Yes. And not to discharge the debt, either."

Ibiki gave him a surprised look, then smiled tightly. "Ah. He got to you, too, did he?"

Shibi gave him a blank, unreadable look in return.

…

"Shino."

Shino glanced up, surprised, but covering it. His father rarely spoke to him. The silence in the household was one of the things that unnerved people so much.

He rose and followed his father through the house to his den. Shibi sat down, folding his hands on the desk, and nodded his head towards a chair.

"Shino, we're going to have a guest for awhile. Umino Iruka, your ex-academy sensei, is going to be staying here. And…" Shibi paused, seeming…uneasy? Shino felt his eyebrows rising.

"And he's going to be sleeping in my bed."

There was a long, very thick silence. Finally, Shino licked his lips and asked, very quietly, "why?"

Shibi sighed and explained the situation.

To his surprise, Shino just grunted. "Ok. I think it's a good idea. Iruka-sensei is…" he paused, embarrassed. "Special."

Shibi studied his son for a moment. "You know that the point of this is that everyone thinks we are engaging in physical sex?" he said after a moment.

Shino gave a small, one-sided shrug.

"It doesn't bother you?" Shibi pressed.

Shino gave that shrug again. "Should it?"

Shibi copied his son's shrug. Or maybe Shino had copied from him.


	6. Chapter 6

Iruka stared at Ibiki like he was seriously wondering if he'd jumped off the edge of sanity.

"You…what?" he finally gasped.

Ibiki sighed patiently and repeated the plan.

"You…what?" Iruka gasped again.

Ibiki considered slapping him.

"But…but…" Iruka was clearly having a hard time with this. "But…Aburame-san…why…"

"Because he owes me a giant favor." Ibiki wasn't about to tell him about the episode they'd witnessed in the bath house. "And even Kakashi will think twice about getting tangled up with him. And of all the people in the whole village, there is not one person you're safer with than Shibi. Even _if_ he were to feel about you that way…which is _highly_ unlikely…there is _no_ way that the head of the Aburame household would consider acting like those _perverts_ who call themselves your friends. Ever."

"But…but…" Iruka gasped.

"But it's the best way. Or do you _want_ to spend the rest of your life running away from groping hands and giggling fangirls?" Ibiki asked coldly. Iruka shook his head dumbly.

"Then you have no choice but to accept the plan." Ibiki said flatly.

Defeated, Iruka nodded.

…

Shibi watched the young man trying not to act nervous. It was kind of funny, in a twisted way. He's cuter when he's nervous, Shibi observed dispassionately. No wonder those people try to get him riled up all the time.

Finally, they finished dinner. Iruka, blushing, excused himself to work on the mountain of paperwork he'd dragged with him from school.

Shino finished his plate and stood. "Goodnight, father." He said softly.

Shibi gave a soft answer and watched his son walk out of the room.

He sighed.

He didn't really want to, but something had to be done.

He stood and walked into the room that Iruka had taken over for his personal stuff.

There were two rather large piles of papers on the desk. Iruka was reading a paper with a focused, intent look on his face. His red pen, held loosely in his hand, flicked with frightening precision as he crushed yet another's student's hopeful ambition to be a great novelist someday.

Shibi cleared his throat. Iruka jumped.

"Iruka-san, we need to discuss some things." He said carefully.

Iruka blushed and slowly capped his pen. Still bushing horribly, he stood, and then looked uncertain.

"Come." Shibi said, and turned. He heard Iruka following him, almost noiselessly.

Ibiki took him to the bug garden, after exerting enough chakra to make sure the bugs stayed mostly out of sight.

It was a pretty place; even Shibi could-privately-admit that. It was open to the sky. There was a small pond in the center, surrounded by lush greenery. His family maintained it for the comfort of some of the bugs they worked with.

"This is wonderful." Iruka said softly. His brown eyes glimmered with true appreciation. Giving Shibi a shy look, he wandered over and kneeled at the edge of the pool, reaching down to touch the surface of the water with one finger. His delighted look, when the ripples spread on the still surface, was almost child-like. He'd let his hair down, and it fell over his shoulders in a soft, shimmering wave.

All together, it was an almost irresistible sight. Shibi found that it affected him a touch more than he'd anticipated, but still within acceptable boundaries.

"Iruka." Shibi left the suffix off this time and watched the slow spread of the blush on the man's face. "Come."

He led Iruka to a bench and sat him down, then faced him directly.

"Iruka…you're too tense." Shibi said flatly. "If we're going to pull this off, we need to give the impression of a much higher level of intimacy. You still act like you're afraid of me."

Iruka laughed softly. "Aburame-san…"

"Stop." Shibi sighed. "Would you call your lover that?"

Iruka flushed and looked away. "Ah…"

"Shibi." Shibi reached out and turned Iruka's face back to his with a firm hand. "Say it."

"S..S..Shibi." Iruka stuttered.

"Good." Then he leaned over and kissed him.

Iruka froze.

Shibi sighed.

"Relax, Iruka. I am not attempting to seduce you." He kissed Iruka again. No response.

"Iruka." Shibi pulled away and stared into the man's blank eyes. "If we are being observed, would it not be surprising to anyone that you act like this? Consider this a mission."

"A…m..mission…" Iruka murmured. Then he leaned forward and kissed Shibi.

Shibi noted that it was an excellent kiss.

"Good." Shibi pulled away. "Now. There are two rooms in this house that I can absolutely guarantee will be spy-proof. This is one of them. The other will be our bedroom." Iruka's face flushed again. "So it will never be necessary to push the masquerade beyond kissing and touching. Do you understand?"

Iruka nodded.

"So. Practice more." He pulled Iruka against him and arranged his body so they were cuddled together. After a moment, Shibi felt the tension slide out of Iruka's body and Iruka nuzzled his face into Shibi's chest, closing his eyes.

"Good. That is excellent. The important thing is for you to loose your natural reaction of stiffness and shock if I touch you. You can't let people think you don't like me touching you, if this is to succeed."

"I know." Iruka murmured. "I'm sorry. I'm just…I've been having to fight off perverts who think it's ok to grab me anywhere, anytime, for so long…"

"I know. Ibiki told me." He wasn't going to tell Iruka about the bath house incident either.

Then Iruka kissed him again. This time, Iruka didn't hold back.

Shibi noted, to his faint shock, that it was probably the best kiss he'd ever had in his life. Or would ever have. Ever.

They sat in silence for a long time, getting used to the idea. Then he felt Iruka stiffen again. Looking down, he sighed. One of his Kikaichu had crawled out to investigate the situation.

He opened his mouth, but Iruka shocked him silent by raising his finger and letting the Kikaichu crawl onto his skin. Iruka gave a soft laugh, watching the Kikaichu slowly investigate the new chakra signal.

"They don't bother you?" He asked quietly.

Iruka shook his head. "Not really. Bugs have never been a phobia of mine."

"Hmmm." Shibi said.

After a time, Shibi stood and took Iruka's hand. "Come. Let us go to bed."

Iruka blushed but rose silently.


	7. Chapter 7

"He's….WHAT….?" screamed a voice.

"He stayed there last night. And this morning, in the Hokage's hallway, Iruka _kissed _him!"

"NO…FUCKING…WAY!" Iruka, cocking his head, identified the voice finally. Kotetsu. Gooood.

"You can't…that's not…there's no…." Kotetsu sputtered.

Iruka hid a grin behind his hand.

"Yes! I'm not kidding!" the other voice, which Iruka couldn't identify, was nearly crying. "I saw it personally!"

Iruka couldn't stop from laughing, but he forced himself to do it quietly.

…

"Iurka." Ibiki looked disappointed. "Office?"

"Nope." Iruka dropped the pile of reports he'd brought and gave Ibiki a wide, happy smile. "Not this time. I haven't been chased, groped, embarrassed or annoyed in two whole, beautiful days."

Ibiki smiled tightly. "Good. It's working then?"

"Perfect."

"How are you and Shibi getting along?"

"Great." Iruka smiled. "He's not nearly as strange as I thought he was. He's a good man."

"Yes, he is." Ibiki smiled. Then he frowned. "Iruka…you're not…"

"What? Oh!" Iruka laughed, shaking his head. "Not a bit. Only friendship. Shibi wouldn't let me in far enough for me to fall in love with him, and I'm not trying to get to know him that well anyway. This is a mission."

"Good." Ibiki smiled again. "Good."

…

Iruka was alone in the records office when he felt a familiar chakra behind him. He wasn't fast enough to dodge, however.

Kakashi pushed him against the wall and pressed his body against him, pulling Iruka's arms out and pinning his wrists above his shoulders. "Iruka…how nice to see you again."

"Kakashi-san…" Iruka grated. "Get off of me."

"I'd rather get off with you." Kakashi grinned as the chuunin's face was instantly suffused with red.

"Ruka, I've been hearing some rather naughty rumors about you and Shibi-san." Kakashi leaned closer, brushing Iruka's nose with his own. "And I'm here to tell you that I know your little secret."

"Wgh…Kakashi…get the fuck off of me!" Iruka said, panic rising in his throat.

"You're not actually dating the bug-man. I know you better than that. You're using him as a shield."

"Hatake, I think you should let him go."

The temperature dropped about fifty degrees suddenly.

Kakashi released Iruka, who shoved past him to huddle into the cold, tense figure of Shibi, who'd walked in on the scene. Iruka, gasping, buried his face in Shibi's neck and wrapped his arms around his body, and Shibi curled his arm around his waist possessively.

Giving them a blank stare, Kakashi slowly straightened and performed the transport jutsu, puffing out of the room.

Iruka shuddered. Shibi gently ran his hand over Iruka's hair, sending a few bugs out to test the area.

As he thought. Kakashi hadn't gone far.

"Are you ok, Iruka?" Shibi asked softly.

Iruka sighed and tipped his head up to kiss Shibi. When they broke apart, he cuddled his body against Shibi's and nibbled on Shibi's ear. "Are we being watched?" he whispered.

Shibi gave a soft grunt. Yes.

Iruka sighed.

Shibi was busy filing away information.

That felt…unfamiliar. Not unpleasant. Rather nice, actually.

Iruka shifted, bringing his mouth down to nuzzle under Shibi's collar. "Can you take us back to your house? Let them think this continues…" Iruka sounded tired and mischievous, all in one.

Shibi categorized. That was certainly an interesting sensation.

"Yes. Good idea."


	8. Chapter 8

Once back in 'their' bedroom, they separated. Iruka sank onto the bed, cradling his face in his hands. "Damn it…that was not pleasant."

For a brief second, Shibi thought he meant their performance. He realized that Iruka meant the confrontation with Kakashi.

Lying down, Shibi stretched his legs out and pillowed his head on his arms. "I expected it. That's why I was so close. I was waiting for him to corner you."

"Thank you, Shibi." Iruka had gotten over his shyness about Shibi's name. "I was kind of worried, actually."

Shibi made a noncommittal noise in return and closed his eyes.

"How long should we stay here?" He asked after a moment. Iruka sighed.

"Uhm…fifteen minutes? If we were riled up, that would be long enough. Besides, they know me well enough to know I'd protest at being gone for too long."

Shibi nodded. "Good."

Iruka lay down. They lay in silence, each lost in their own thoughts.

When the time was up, Iruka sat up. "Ok. Now…" he took down his hair and mussed it, then re-gathered it. It didn't look that different to Shibi. Then Iruka rubbed his eyes and sighed. "Kiss me, Shibi."

Shibi raised his eyebrows and leaned over. The kiss lasted considerably longer than any of the other ones had. When they broke apart, he studied Iruka's face and understood. Iruka's lips looked puffy, maybe a little bruised.

"Now for the worst part." Iruka murmured. "I need something…have you ever given anyone a hickey?"

"No." Shibi said flatly. He was curious.

"Ok." Iruka was blushing again. "I need you to…uh…bite my neck. Not hard enough to draw blood, but hard enough to bruise. And then…uhm…" he blushed harder. "Suck on it. So that it stays bruised."

Shibi raised his eyebrows. This was getting into dangerous water, he felt. But he did as Iruka asked.

He leaned over and bit the chuunin. Iruka made a noise of protest. "Harder, please. It's got to leave a mark."

Shibi bit harder. Iruka gasped. "O..ok. Now s..suck."

Shibi sucked on it, hard.

Iruka made a particular noise, sort of a strangled groan.

Shibi pulled away, startled.

Iruka sat up quickly, facing away from Shibi. "O..ok. Now I'm ready. Can you take me back?"

"Yes." Shibi stood and waited for Iruka to put his arms around him.

…

Genma, still in shock over what he'd just witnessed, stared at the paperwork on his desk without seeing it.

Iruka and…Shibi.

It was impossible. Disgusting. Impossible!

Undeniably true.

He heard the door open. Iruka, looking delectably just-fucked, stumbled in. Iruka got a quick look at Shibi before the door closed.

Oh, gods.

Iruka was still panting slightly. His hair was disarranged. And there was a particularly glassy-eyed appearance in his eyes. A flush still lingered on his cheeks. His lips were swollen and parted slightly.

And he…

Genma gaped.

There on his neck. A…

Genma thought he was going to pass out.

…

Iruka sat down at his desk, trying not to shake.

Shit.

He knew very well what he looked like. He'd arranged it this way.

But he hadn't expected to like it so much.

He'd been a little hot, but not unduly so, after the kiss. Then when Shibi bit him, he'd felt it. And then the sucking…

Oh, god. The sucking…

He was hard under his pants.

I'm in trouble, he thought miserably.


	9. Chapter 9

"I can't…Ibiki…" Iruka wailed, huddling in the chair. "I thought it was fine. I don't even want _him_, it's just…"

Ibiki sighed.

"It's too much!" Iruka cried.

Ibiki sighed again.

There were few options. In the temporary run, he could get Iruka off. It wouldn't be that hard (no pun intended), with Iruka in the state he was currently in. But that was a very temporary solution and would possibly lead to unintended consequences.

They could end the charade, but that meant increased chasing by the perverts they were trying to avoid.

He could tell Shibi to back off, but knowing Shibi, there probably wasn't much to back off from.

He could move him, but that wouldn't solve the long-term problem.

Shit.

He decided to take the first option, to start with.

He did it quickly, gently, right there in the chair. He found, to his vague surprise, that he didn't even get hard. His mind was too damn busy trying to find a solution to allow his body to get involved.

Iruka didn't take much stimulation before he was clutching Ibiki's back and writhing.

When he'd finished, Ibiki calmly cleaned up the mess and then calmed down a completely embarrassed Iruka.

"Don't read anything into it, Iruka. I need you to be thinking clearly, and it was impossible in the state you were in." Ibiki made him tea and handed him a cup.

Iruka, shaking, took the tea and forced himself to calm down. "T..thank you, I..Ibiki" He murmured. His mind was a giant blank. That had been…

Don't. He sipped the tea. Like Ibiki says. Don't read anything into it other than Ibiki's obvious concern.

Ok.

"What are we going to do?" Iruka asked softly. "This is…a very difficult situation."

"Yes. But the question is, can you continue?" Ibiki asked.

Iruka fought back his instinctive desire to shout NO! And considered it from all the angles.

He was obviously being affected by being close to someone, being touched. That was normal. Shibi didn't appear to be similarly affected, which was kind of a…what? Not a disappointment, surely, but…a slight bruise to Iruka's ego.

He felt much clearer now, thanks to Ibiki's rough assistance.

So, that meant that all he had to do was take care of his problems himself, or if he couldn't, with Ibiki's help.

Then he'd be able to handle the rest of it.

Right.

He wondered how Ibiki felt about it. The other man's face gave no clue to his inner thoughts.

I can't do that to him, Iruka thought with a sigh. I can't expect him to be my…my what? Jerk-off buddy? The thought made him blush. God. I've been spending too much time around Genma.

So it's just me and my hand for company. Not a big difference from usual, except I'll have to be careful not to let Shibi know how much he's affecting me. He's been amazingly cooperative in this 'mission'. I wonder what Ibiki's got on him that's making him so willing to help…

…

Kakashi was getting very drunk.

He couldn't believe it. But the evidence was…

His sweet Iruka was fucking that disgusting bug-man.

The lips, the hair, the hickey…the glazed look in Iruka's eyes.

The way he'd instinctively ran to Shibi for comfort. The nibbling.

The lips…

He ordered more sake. This was going to be a bad one, he could feel it.


	10. Chapter 10

Inoichi sank deeper into the hot water. "Where's Kakashi?" he asked idly.

"Drunk." Genma snapped. "Passed out drunk."

Shikaku raised his eyebrow. "Not that we really need a reason, but why? And what's with your temper?"

"Iruka." Aoba whimpered. "Iruka's sleeping with Shibi."

There was a long, shocked silence as several male minds tried to fit those words together.

Ibiki kept a tight hold on his facial expression.

Chouza recovered first. "You have GOT to be kidding."

"Noooo." Aoba whimpered again. "Everyone's talking about it. He came and grabbed Iruka out of the missions office and snuck him home for…" Aoba stopped, unable to say it. "Then they came back, and Iruka was…he'd obviously…."

Raidou blinked a couple of times. "Hmmm."

"What?" Ibiki asked sharply.

"Nothing. Just trying to imagine an Iruka who'd been obviously…" Raidou grinned.

Aoba whimpered.

"Snap out of it, kid." Shikaku said shortly. "Not like you ever had a chance with him."

"I know. But…Shibi?" Aoba whined. "I mean, of all the people in the village, SHIBI?"

"I know." Genma spat his senbon out of his mouth. It embedded itself across the room, nearly half-way through. "It's like saying he's sleeping with Ibiki here, for fuck's sake."

Ibiki bit his lip and forced himself not to strangle Genma.

Asuma had a thoughtful look on his face. "I'm not sure…" he began.

Ibiki took the chance. Carefully, he reached through the water and pinched Asuma sharply on the thigh.

Asuma jumped and gave him a sharp look.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Chouza, sitting next to him, grumbled. "I don't _like_ you that way, Asuma."

Ebisu laughed.

Asuma blushed. "Shut up, Chouza. I had a cramp."

Genma was obviously distressed. His missed this obvious and incredibly perfect moment to pick on Asuma in a nasty way.

"Shit." Raidou sighed. "Well, that sucks. It was nice to at least have the fantasy option of getting some from Iruka. But there's no way in hell I'm going up against the bug man for Iruka."

…

"So what's going on?" Asuma asked flatly. They were standing in the steam room. Ibiki sighed and considered the situation. Not as secure as he would like. Thinking of Iruka's plight, he chuckled. And then he snuggled up to a shocked Asuma, leaning over to whisper in his ear.

"Calm down, idiot. I don't want to be overheard.

"S..shit." Asuma hissed. "This is…embarrassing."

"Yeah, so? Listen. Keep your mouth shut on your doubts about Iruka and Shibi's relationship, ok? It's a shield. Shibi is willing to go along with it. Iruka's coping. And if you ruin it, I'll personally guarantee that you will live a long, long time in complete agony before I grant you the release of a quick death. Do you understand?"

Asuma shivered. "Yeah, I get it. Not a word."

"Good." Smirking, Ibiki kissed Asuma on the cheek and left.

Asuma remained where he was for a long moment, trying to control the tremors that were snaking through his body. Ibiki was a fucking scary, cold bastard.


	11. Chapter 11

Iruka yawned as he finished yet another boring student essay on the fifteen ways to use your shurikan correctly. This one had only managed to correctly guess two. A few of the 'uses' he filed away to point out to Ibiki. This kid might have a future in TI…

There was a sound. Iruka, startled, pushed away from his chair and rolled into a defensive crouch.

Kakashi was standing there.

Iruka gasped. He couldn't believe that Kakashi would be this persistent…or suicidal.

"Iruka…"

He was swaying. He's drunk, Iruka thought with sudden fear. Oh, shit. And Shibi's in town…

"Iruka." Kakashi stumbled a few paces forward. Iruka suddenly realized he wasn't wearing his mask.

"Please." Kakashi whispered. He sounded…

…broken hearted? What the hell?

Then he was there, right in Iruka's face. Before Iruka could react, he'd wrapped his arms around Iruka and was clutching him tightly.

Not groping. Not nuzzling. Just clinging to him for dear life.

"Please. Tell me it's not true. I can't…I can't handle this. Please, please, my Iruka, tell me it's not true." Kakashi whispered brokenly.

"K..Kakashi?" Iruka gasped.

Kakashi collapsed. Iruka went down with him, trying instinctively to cradle the man's body. Kakashi gripped his shirt, burying his face against Iruka's chest. He was crying, long shuddering sobs that made his entire body tremble.

"K…Kakashi…" Iruka whispered, confused and frightened. Gripping the man's heaving shoulders, Iruka tried desperately to calm him down.

"P..please. I can't…you can't. Please, tell me…" Kakashi gasped, still crying.

"Iruka…" Iruka looked up. Shibi was standing there, looking confused and concerned. "What's going on?"

"I…I don't know!" Iruka cried. "He just…and he's crying…I don't know what's going on!"

Shibi stared down at the man. "Stay here." 

"Don't!" Iruka cried. "Don't leave me alone…"

"Only a moment." Shibi turned and hurried from the room to his son's.

"Shino!" Shino's head appeared, looking startled. "Go. Right now. Get Morino Ibiki here immediately. Don't tell anyone. Go."

Shino raised his eyebrow but did as he was told.

…

Ibiki hurried into the room. Iruka was still kneeling, holding a still-crying Kakashi in his arms and looking bruised. Shibi was kneeling beside him, his hand on Iruka's shoulder, looking…angry?

No. Frightened. Desperately frightened.

Ibiki nearly tripped getting to them.

"I think we broke him." Shibi said quietly.

Oh. Ibiki put two and two together and got the answer.

Oh, Kakashi…

He'd never suspected. No one had. Kakashi had played his game better than anyone could have suspected.

He'd teased and tormented the chuunin teacher because he loved him but he couldn't tell him.

He'd stolen what time he could get because he loved him, and couldn't tell him.

And when Iruka had turned to someone else, Kakashi had shattered.

Ibiki fell heavily to his knees beside them, staring at Kakashi.

We broke him.

He looked up and met Iruka's eyes and flinched.


	12. Chapter 12

Kakashi opened his eyes carefully.

His head was pounding. His mouth tasted like shit. And he felt hollow inside, empty.

Iruka was in love with Shibi.

He knew it.

"About time you woke up."

Asuma. He turned his head and stared silently at the bearded man.

"C'mon, Kakashi. Time to wake up." Asuma said firmly. "We've got some talking to do, man."

Kakashi couldn't find the energy to speak. So he just closed his eyes.

"I don't think so." Asuma said grimly. Then he reached down and hauled Kakashi from the bed.

Kakashi lashed out, but his reflexes were shot and Asuma was expecting something of the sort. "Knock it off, asshole."

Kakashi closed his eyes. It was too much trouble.

…

Iruka, Ibiki and Shibi had spent the night huddled together on Shibi's bed, not sleeping or speaking, just trying to help Iruka come to grips with the whole import of what they'd done.

They hadn't known. There was no way for them to have known. It was a valid excuse, but it didn't stop the overwhelming guilt that Iruka was feeling.

Shibi wasn't feeling particularly guilty. He was tired and sad, and behind his emotionless mask he hurt for what Iruka and Kakashi were both going through.

Ibiki wasn't sad. He was pissed. If Kakashi had the balls to admit to Iruka what he was feeling, then this wouldn't have happened.

"He's awake." Asuma said roughly. "He's eating breakfast. Shino's watching him."

Ibiki nodded. "Ok."

Iruka moaned. "I..I can't." he whispered.

"You must." Shibi said flatly. "If only to repair the damage we've unwittingly caused. If you can't return his feelings, you should still tell him to his face."

Iruka sighed deeply.

Ibiki sat up and rubbed his face. "Shibi's right."

Iruka sat up.

"Ok." He rubbed his own face and winced at the rawness of his cheeks. "I understand. I'll s..speak with him."

…

Kakashi heard him enter but didn't turn around. After a moment, he felt Iruka sit next to him.

He risked a glance. Iruka looked like hell. His eyes were red and puffy. Had he been crying?

I made him cry.

Kakashi wanted to go slit his wrists immediately.

"Kakashi-san…" Iruka whispered. "I'm so sorry."

Kakashi ran through his arsenal and decided that a simple kunai would be best. Sharp, simple, deadly.

"Kakashi…" Iruka turned and looked at him. "I'm not sleeping with Shibi. We're not in a relationship. It was a plan to stop the incessant…torture…I was being subjected to. And it worked. Everyone left me alone. Everyone but you. Why?"

"Because…" Kakashi felt his tongue trying to choke his throat. His jaw locked up.

Iruka sighed.

"Because I love you." Kakashi whispered.

"Why?"

Kakashi hesitated. "I…I don't know. It's not something I planned. It's not…"

"Kakashi." Surprised, Kakashi turned and stared into Iruka's eyes. "Tell me again."

"I love you, Umino Iruka." Kakashi breathed.

"Promise me you'll never hurt me. Or leave me."

"I…" Kakashi hesitated again. "I can't." He whispered brokenly. "I can't…"

"Shh." Iruka whispered. Then he leaned over and kissed him.

…

In the other room, Shibi made a pleased noise. "They're kissing."

Noticing the smile that played on the bug-man's lips, Ibiki couldn't resist growling, "What are you smiling at?"

"I happen to know that Iruka is a very good kisser." Shibi said simply.

Ibiki stared at him.

"Just something I learned while we were pretending to have sex." Shibi explained.

Ibiki continued to stare at him.

"I learned some interesting things." Shibi said finally.

Ibiki couldn't stop staring at him.

"Would you like me to show you?" Shibi asked innocently.

Ibiki st… "Whaa?" He croaked.

Shibi was definitely grinning as he leaned towards Ibiki.


End file.
